Random Jokes

Random Jokes.

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.

How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!

Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window.

Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day!!!

Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

What is green and smells?
Hulk's fart.

Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper.

You so short you have to look up to look down.

Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it".

Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...


What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.

Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.

Yo mama's so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.


I think men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They have experience pain and bought jewelry.


I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

I have a great diet. You are allowed to eat anything you want. But you must eat it with naked fat people.

I went into MacDonalds yesterday and said "I'd like some fries".
The girl at the counter said "Would you like some fries with that".

Why don't oysters give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.

What can you do in radiation-contaminated rivers?
Nuclear fission.

Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!

How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.

Men Jokes

Men Jokes.

Why don't men wear tight underwear? It cuts off circulation to the brain!

Why do men have broad shoulders and big foreheads?
When you ask them a question, they shrug their shoulders and say, "I don't know."
When you tell them the answer, they slap their foreheads and say, "Ohhhh."

Why are vibrators better than men?
Because they never screw other women, never come in drunk, and you don't have to do their laundry!

Why do men die before their wives?
They should.

What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need........
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need

How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.

Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.

What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?
Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Why are hangovers better than men?
Hangovers will go away.

How are men and batteries different?
Batteries have a positive side.

Why is virginity like a baloon?
All it takes is one small prick and it's gone.

What is the difference between garbage and men?
Garbage gets thrown out and stays out!

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
No one knows, the ex-wife always gets the house.

Why are men like strawberries?
Because they take a long time to mature and by the time they do most are rotten.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
So men can tell if they are coming or going.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

What do UFO's and caring men have in common?
You keep hearing about them but never see any for yourself.

Why is dating like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer Jokes.

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . .

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

In heaven, the angels asked god where he would spend his next holiday.
God said: At least not on earth. Last time I went there, I left a girl pregnant and those people haven't stopped talking about it since!

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Timmy stood up and said, "My mom is a doctor!" Sarah stood up and said, "My father is a professor!" Little Johnny stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!"

The teacher couldn't believe what she's had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny's father that evening to discuss the situation. Little Johnny's father explained, "Actually, I'm a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!"

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats. 3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

Doctor Jokes

Doctor Jokes.

Doctor, Doctor

I can't stop stealing things

Take these pills for a week; if that doesn't work I'll have a color TV!

Doctor, Doctor

What can I do? I think I'm a pair of curtains?

Pull yourself together man!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm a bridge?

What's come over you?

Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm god?

How did that start?

In the beginning there was darkness......

Doctor, Doctor

Every bone in my body aches!

Just be glad you aren't a herring!

Doctor, Doctor

Can I have second opinion?

Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I've broken my neck?

Don't worry - keep your chin up!

Doctor Doctor

My daughter has just swallowed my pen - what shall I do?

Use a pencil!

Doctor Doctor

What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar?

I find that very hard to believe!

Doctor, Doctor

I feel like a pack of cards?

I'll deal with you later!

Doctor, Doctor

You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!

Do you drink a lot?

Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor

I feel like a spoon?

Still still and don't stir!

Doctor, Doctor

Every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this stabbing pain in my eye!

I suggest you take the spoon out!

Doctor, Doctor

My irregular heartbeat is really frightening me.

Don't worry - we'll soon put a stop to it!

Doctor, Doctor

Please help me. I think I'm invisible

Next Please!

Doctor, Doctor

I've just swallowed my mouth organ

Well look on the bright side, at least you weren't playing a grand piano!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm a bell?

Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor

I think I'm a cat?

How long has this been going on?

Oh, since I was a kitten I guess!

Doctor, Doctor

I've got insomnia

Just sit on the edge of the bed. You'll soon drop off!

Doctor, Doctor

Is there anything wrong with my heart?

After a thorough examination I can confidently say it will last as long as you do!!

Doctor, Doctor

I've got wind! Can you give me something?

Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor Doctor

I'm not well - can you give me something to make me better?

Take 2 teaspoons of this after every meal?

But Doctor, I've only got one teaspoon?

Doctor to Dumb Blonde

Well Miss, I've discovered your problem - you are pregnant!

Oh! Is it mine?

Blonde jokes

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

A: Run like hell, she has a grenade in her mouth!

What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? You can park in the handicapped spots.
How do you tell when a blonde is having her period?
She's only wearing one sock.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?
Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

What does a blonde say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
Is it mine?

Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks? It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

What's the similarity between a blonde and a dog's turd?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

What's the difference between a blonde and the titanic ?
You know how many men went down on the titanic.

What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board ?
Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.

How can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear..

How does a blonde turn the light out after sex?
She shuts the car's door.

What do blondes use for protection during sex?
Bus Shelters.

What does a blonde say after having sex ?
What team do you guys play for!

What's the difference between a Walrus and a blonde?
One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus.